3 Mistakes in Writing a Memoir (And How to Avoid Them)

The very first paid project I ever worked on was a collection of memoirs, so the genre will always hold a special place in my heart. And even in the nonfiction business work I’ve done, memoir tends to seep in. It’s nearly impossible to share business insights without also giving readers a sense for who you are as a human being.

And cluing in your audience to your story is one of the best ways to establish rapport and bolster trust. People want to like you. When you’re a new author, it’s triply-important they like you or they won’t finish the book … no matter how many accolades you may have.

But time after time, I see similar mistakes crop up in memoir, so let’s talk about what the three biggest are, and more importantly, how you can avoid them like my toddler avoiding putting on a nighttime diaper after getting out of the bath.

#1. Trying to Write an Autobiography

This mistake right here is the most common I see. And it makes a ton of sense because it can be difficult to understand what distinguishes an autobiography from a memoir. So let’s break down the difference:

Biography: A book about someone’s life. Examples: Alexander Hamilton by Ron Chernow. Steve Jobs by Walter Isaacson, or a book I’m currently reading The Raven: A Biography of Sam Houston by Marquis James.

Autobiography: A book about someone’s life written firsthand by the subject. Examples: The Diary of a Young Girl by Anne Frank, The Autobiography of Malcolm X by Malcolm X, and The Autobiography of Mark Twain by Samuel Clemens (aka, Mark Twain). Just wanted to throw you off a bit.

Memoir: A firsthand account of someone’s experience which holds lessons for the audience. Examples: Becoming by Michelle Obama, Creativity, Inc. by Ed Catmull, and Marathon Woman by Kathrine Switzer.

So the problem I see is when an author thinks they are writing a memoir but what they create is a collection of every memory from their life they are able to summon up without a consistent message or theme. Which is why it feels like a mess.

Memoir is a tough genre to sell, but you can make it more marketable by infusing it with a personal development angle—lessons. Even though my first paying client had no platform whatsoever whens she self-published her collection of memoirs, she’s gone on to write three more books, selling thousands of copies of each, establishing herself as a voice of authority in her niche, and even recently developed a CEU course from her work.

How?

Because she infused the memoir with lessons for her readers instead of trying to just capture every memory from her life. She honed in on the ones which aligned with the theme and could resonate beyond her story—to the story of the reader.

So if you’re writing a memoir, focus in on a core message and theme you want to share. Come up with 8 to 12 lessons you can teach around that core message and then match those lessons up with stories from your life. You can either focus on a specific period of life, which is what Kathrine Switzer does in her book, focusing on her running career.

Or you can share personal anecdotes from various stages of your life that align with the lessons. You don’t necessarily have to move in chronological order with a memoir unless it makes the most sense to.

By simply taking the time to define your message and identify your key lessons, you’ll create a powerful memoir that can actually have market appeal vs. a scattered autobiography with no direction.

#2. Bragging—Accidental and Otherwise

The second biggest mistake I see with memoirs is that sometimes the aspiring author turns it into an opportunity for bragging rather than providing real value to the reader. For instance, I once copy editing a book where the author spend entire chapters essentially bragging about some of the experiences he had been fortunate to have, such as traveling to various expensive parts of the world.

In a different book I copy edited, the author frequently name dropped various famous people he had met during his career—and not always in a flattering way. Which is fine in terms of authenticity—he really did meet those people and, in some ways, that’s the hook for his book.

The problem with both these books isn’t the fact that both authors had the resources to go to exotic locations or meet well-known celebrities. The problem is that neither one of them shared consistently valuable information about these interactions. There were no lessons pertaining to gratitude or “Here’s the wisdom I learned from so-and-so.”

Meanwhile, I had another author who has been blessed to travel to exotic locations, but rather than brag about these experiences, she turned them into lessons for her readers. She sees herself as an emissary, passing on the experience rather than holding them over people.

It would be like Neil Armstrong coming back from the moon and saying, “Hey, I’ve been to the freakin’ moon. have you been to the moon? No? Well, it was awesome, and I’m awesome for going there.”

Are all these things true? Yeah, sure. The late Neil Armstrong was definitely awesome for going to the moon.

Instead, here’s what he actually said one time:

“The search for knowledge is what brought men to the moon; but it took knowledge already acquired to make it possible to get there.”

Did you see what he did? He didn’t say, '“The search for knowledge is what brought me to the moon,” but rather men, meaning it in the sense of humankind. He took an extraordinary experience he had and used it to both show gratitude for those who came before him (“knowledge already acquired”) and to make it inclusive, seeing himself as representative.

It’s with this same spirit of inclusive gratitude that you should share your experiences. With this shift, the same story can go from bragging to gracious.

#3. Failing to Find Your Unique Angle

Alright, so this one’s tough to talk about. One of the reasons I don’t often work on memoir anymore is because of how difficult it can be to essentially critique someone else’s life story.

Here’s the problem: Everyone is unique. But that doesn’t mean your story is.

And it sucks to have to say this sometimes…

So while your story of surviving cancer—or abuse, or a cult, or whatever fill-in-the-blank struggle you’ve faced—might indeed have been powerful and transformative for you, the question is whether you are saying something new or positioning your story in a way which can also be transformative for others.

The good news is that this is where “niche-ing down” can be incredibly valuable to finding your unique angle. So instead of sharing the same story that’s been shared by a million others, you identify the aspects of your story which will make it stand out.

Alright, we’re going to get raw for a moment. Let’s say you lost a child to cancer. Talk about a horribly traumatic experience I can’t even imagine. It recently happened to a dear friend of mine. While it could be very healing and cathartic to write about the grief experience, you might explore a different angle if you’re going to write a book about the experience.

For instance, the angle might be:

“The Other Kids: How to parent your other children through sickness and grief.”

This angle focuses not so much on the child who was sick—but sharing advice and wisdom to your readers on how to stay engaged with your other children when your life is revolving around the medical needs of your sick child.

Or let’s say it was your spouse who was sick and you want to explore how it affected your marriage. The angle might be:

“Love and Chemo: Fighting to keep my wife and romance alive.”

(By the way, if anyone out there has those experiences and you’re thinking about writing a book with these angles—let’s talk. Seriously.)

Again, I hate this part of the conversation because I never want to diminish the pain of someone’s personal story. Your experience is perfectly valid. No one is denying that. But books—especially memoirs—should be written for others, not only for you. So the best way you can serve someone with your story is to find the unique angle that will resonate with them and help them along their journey.

Conclusion

Look, if you can keep these 3 mistakes in mind—and how to avoid them—then you’ll already be about 90% ahead of most memoirs in the world. (Statistic totally made up but feels right.) You’ll also be better able to position your book for traditional publishing if that’s something you’re looking to do. Even if you plan to self-publish, you’ll set yourself apart from the millions of other self-published memoirs out there.

If you’re still struggling to find your unique angle for your memoir, then book a free 20-minute Q&A and let’s chat about it.

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